So, I'll start at the beginning.
I had been praying for days before the Fall Retreat for God to show up to me there. If it wasn't already obvious, I had been "spiritually on E" for a long time. I have really struggled for a year now about my self-identity, whether it was being too critical or being self-consumed, it was always an issue. And in the midst of this I was Martha. If God didn't show up, If God didn't help me out, I was going to give up on seeking Him. You may recall, the story of Martha and Mary, how Martha ran around the house cooking, cleaning, preparing, etc. while Mary sat down in front of Jesus and did nothing. Yea, I was Martha and I was angry. Why didn't God show up for me, even though I felt as if I was working so hard? Why isn't God bothering to address any of my problems?
"Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
With my Martha attitude, I showed up at the retreat. Everything played out like a normal retreat, hangout, feast, then speaker. Neil Kring, a pastor at Ball State University in Indiana, spoke to us. The very first thing that he had talked to us about was about his struggles with his faith. He called it pre-2001 and post-2001. pre-2001, faith was easy for him. He ministered very well to people, he seemed to understand everything that God put to him, life was great. And then there was a relationship problem that went out of control. Enter post-2001. He struggled with God. He struggled with belief, with knowing if God was there, he didn't have anything come easy to him anymore. (Huh, this is kind of sounding familiar...)
And then he shared how he really likes rap and for his birthday his wife and his friends got a rap concert to be played for him with some rap artists who were coming into town. And in the midst of this really fun surprise, Neil felt God speaking to him and he said I brought these guys here for you, because I love you.
Moments like that helped Neil realize that he had to let go of the pre-2001. He realized that life wasn't worse now, because of the difficulties of his faith, it was merely a "different path". And in the midst of it all, with all this struggle, God still loved him. God didn't need Neil to be this amazing, outstanding, servant for Him, he wanted Neil for more than his deeds and his actions. He loved Neil regardless of how he acted and in spite of Neil not being this, no-doubt, amazing Christian he used to be.
And these were the words I had been longing to hear and to believe and I felt in the moment Neil was sharing those words, that God was sharing them with me as well. I felt for the first time in my heart ever that God loves me despite of all my shortcomings. I feel like I have had many moments of Grace in my life, but this one shouted in my head. Nick, I brought this guy here for you, because I love you.
Afterwords, we had a fort-building contest, which was really bizarre, but a lot of fun. I was proud, because my sombrero was the crowning piece of the fort. People were so into it, that I couldn't stop laughing. Laughing? When have I done that recently? And then I stayed at the campfire for most of the rest of the night, talking. I talked to Heather, Joey, and Thomas who are three really cool freshman. And I also spent a lot of time talking to Elizabeth and Beth, who have been two really good friends. Well the five of us, (minus Thomas who went to bed in the guy cabin.) slept under the stars and saw at least five shooting stars in the span of a half-hour. And boy were those stars glorious! You could see them endlessly, it was amazingly clear.
And then I woke up and later had a quiet time. This was quite possibly the first quiet time I've ever had where I said nothing the entire time and felt listened to and loved. I picked a spot far away from everyone, rolled out a sweatshirt to lay on, and spread out under a tree, with the sunshine trickling through. Anyone who knows me really well, knows how I connect to nature. And I just laid there. I was going to speak, but I felt as if God didn't want me to. It was just me, Him, and his creation spending time together. And I felt in that moment, truly loved.
And then later there were baptisms, with two of my good friends Elizabeth and Shelley getting baptized. And it was so awesome seeing them dedicate their lives to God in this form. It was beautiful and I was so happy for them.
And the result of this past weekend at the fall retreat is that I feel alive. I have felt dead inside for so long, but now I'm alive again. And I felt for the first time like Mary, a girl who just wanted to be at the feet of Jesus and hear Him share his message of love. For once I was choosing what was better, and this feeling, this connection with God will not be taken away from me.
And there's so much more I want to tell people, there's so much more I want to say and apologize for, but I've talked too much and maybe that is for another time. I feel alive again.
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